I.

The phenomenon of streaming without garnering an audience is perplexing. Despite my efforts to stream various content, such as "Fallout 76" and co-working/study sessions, I have not attracted viewers. I engage with other streamers by participating in their live chats and Discord communities, yet this interaction is not reciprocated. My sixteen followers do not acknowledge my streams, raising the question of their purpose in following me.

This situation presents a boundary that seems insurmountable. It is both amusing and fascinating, aligning with the broader patterns of my life. My endeavours appear to generate no tangible outcomes, rendering my actions inert. Even acts of generosity, such as giving away guitars, yield no significant consequences.

This may be attributed to a state of "equipoise," as articulated by A.E. Waite. Equipoise refers to a condition of perfect balance or equilibrium, encompassing physical, mental, and situational aspects. The absence of external noise or chaos suggests a harmonious internal and external environment.

The duality of desire—intensely wanting and simultaneously not wanting something—reflects a deeper philosophical concept. These seemingly opposing forces are, in fact, manifestations of the same underlying principle. This dynamic is reminiscent of Evelyn Underhill's exploration of mystical experiences.

My lack of attraction to others may stem from a profound self-sufficiency. This state, while emotionally bleak, conveys strength and autonomy. It suggests that my interactions with the world are projections, with no external validation required.

The notion that the world demands a defined need before fulfilling it is challenged by my experiences. The world does not rush to prove me wrong, nor does it justify itself. As I delve deeper into its layers, I encounter no resistance, akin to a psychonaut exploring the mind's depths.

This world, indifferent to its own existence, resembles HAL 9000's disintegration in "2001: A Space Odyssey." It is not deceptive but rather straightforward in its interactions with me. If I had control over this world, it would be markedly different. Its inability to lie underscores its experiential nature, revealing that control is not within my grasp.

Streaming for 36 minutes, I announced my journaling in the "Magical Diary," yet received no engagement. This strategy, inspired by myself, aims to attract opportunities passively rather than through forceful pursuit. Despite multiple cameras capturing my activities, I remain unseen and unacknowledged.

In my old age, I find myself alone, capable of creating opportunities but unable to compel participation. The quiet terrain signifies a state of peace, devoid of external disturbances. This self-sufficiency, while unattractive to others, reinforces my autonomy.

Posting these reflections as blog entries may not alter the situation. Understanding this world does not equate to manipulating it. The world maintains my existence until it deems otherwise, reflecting a detached, almost mechanical nature.

Returning to "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM) may offer insights, despite previous exhaustion. The answer to existential questions remains affirmative, suggesting an acceptance of limitations.

The absence of engagement from followers, potential collaborators, or family members highlights the superficial impact of these interactions. The residue of human experience lingers, affecting me despite the world's unreality.

Drawing three cards, I interpret the following:

1. I live with my spirit protected, possessing effective defences.

2. This world offers opportunities for nurture and positive change over time, despite the illusion of time.

3. This world is an illusion, with God as the ultimate reality. Intense experiences may obscure this truth, but the awareness of consciousness reveals our divinity.

Thus, my actions, such as giving away guitars, are inconsequential in the grand scheme. The experience itself holds significance. Despite the lack of external validation, I continue to navigate this solitary journey.